Most Common Mistakes Made By Home Gardeners

Jerome Powell

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With summer fast approaching, it’s time to pick up a shovel, head to a nursery, and spend hundreds of dollars on plants you will inevitably kill. Here are some of the most common mistakes made by home gardeners, and how to avoid them.

Eating What You Grow

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Don’t mistake the dirty plants you grow out of the earth for the edible ones you can get in the supermarket.

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Not Getting Enough Direct Strobe Light

Not Getting Enough Direct Strobe Light

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Plants are big-time partiers and love a good rave, so be sure to give them plenty of direct strobe light to keep their biological processes raging all night long.

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Using Your Own Fecal Matter as Fertilizer

Using Your Own Fecal Matter as Fertilizer

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You did what?

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Placing Plants That Used To Date Too Close Together

Placing Plants That Used To Date Too Close Together

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Many plants have recently gone through some terrible breakups, so be sure to space those couples out as to avoid any bickering.

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Forgetting To Trap The Minotaur

Forgetting To Trap The Minotaur

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Without building a proper labyrinth, the half-man half-bull in your backyard could run wild and wreak havoc on your neighborhood.

Giving Into Temptation

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Many first-time garden owners take on more than they bargained for by eating from the forbidden tree of knowledge and being cursed to a lifetime of toil.

Co-Sleeping

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While co-sleeping with plants may provide you temporary peace of mind, it’s much healthier in the long run to simply outfit them with monitors and let them spend the night on their own.

Pentium Processors

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Most first-time gardeners think that you need to begin by planting Pentium Dual-Core E2140s, but experts know that you need to have a thriving, fertilized plot before they’ll successfully take root.

Overpaying Day Laborers

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Double-check with fellow employers to make sure you’re not getting swindled.

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Not Including Plants To Attract Grandmas

Not Including Plants To Attract Grandmas

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Grandmas are incredibly helpful around the garden, so colorful, scented plants like begonias have actually evolved to attract them from miles away.

Living In An Apartment

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Nice try.

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High-Deductible Plant Insurance

High-Deductible Plant Insurance

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Having small monthly payments may seem like a good idea, but you don’t want to get stuck with a huge bill after rushing a tomato seedling to the emergency room.

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Allowing Your Plants To Open Carry

Allowing Your Plants To Open Carry

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Many vegetables and herbs actually produce natural insecticides and pesticides, and do not need semiautomatic weapons to protect themselves.

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Forcing Your Plants To Sign NDAs

Forcing Your Plants To Sign NDAs

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If you don’t feel like your plants can talk to the press, then your problems are probably far worse than under-fertilizing and overwatering.

Curfews

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Your plants are never going to learn responsibility if you demand they be back in their pots by 10 p.m. sharp.

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Failing To Update To The Latest Soil

Failing To Update To The Latest Soil

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Many people ignore the countless push updates telling them to update their soil to newer editions of peat, leaving their plots vulnerable and prone to viruses.

Illegal Doping

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The International Olympic Committee banned dozens of Russian gardeners from the 2018 Winter Games after they were caught pumping plants with illegal fertilizers.

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Choosing An Uninhabitable Planet

Choosing An Uninhabitable Planet

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Now that Earth’s climate has become inhospitable, home gardeners should consider traveling to other solar systems to find water-based planets to plant their gardens.

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Accidentally Pressing Self-Destruct

Accidentally Pressing Self-Destruct

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Trust us, it may be tempting, but the last thing you want to do is press that blinking red button on the stem of your plants.

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Shaming Your Plants For Aphids

Shaming Your Plants For Aphids

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Hey, you had crabs.

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